a BEAUTIFUL day...

I need to share the following story with you. Again, as many times during this past year, it is a story of God reaching out to me in HIS timing and with HIS grace. This entry is based on an email I sent a close friend on Easter morning (in green print), with two quoted sections from an email she sent me later in the day (in blue) and my later-written summary of what was happening for me during my own church service (again in green).

What was most AMAZING to me in this exchange, was God's TIMING in speaking to both of our hearts! I'll explain more below.

It's been an emotionally exhausting week...but today is EASTER--the reminder of new life and new beginnings. Even the weather here in Phoenix was a reminder of Easter---yesterday was dark and gray all day with RAIN throughout the day. We realized this was the first RAIN we have been in since leaving Ohio in December---snow just slides right down off our door, but rain soaked the whole exterior of the RV...and "melted" the marker-made welcome sign the kids put on our door back in Colorado! It was a day of WAITING---all the kids here were waiting with hope that the easter egg hunt could eventually happen IF it would just stop raining long enough! (It did---they all had great fun---YAY!) Nettie was with us...and was waiting to help hide the eggs---one more evidence of being "grown up"...she had great fun this first year of stepping up into the role of hider rather than finder. I was waiting for the gray to leave and the blue skies and sun to return---which really didn't happen yesterday. The sun peeped through a few times...but waited until this morning to be a glorious blue skied, sunny day with all the little birds twittering and cooing to greet the new day.

(In this next section---I'm trusting that readers fully understand I am NOT calling myself God nor calling James Jesus...yet there is truly comfort in seeing ourselves as part of a "Second Easter" story. As Randy has said---because of the timing of James' death and of when Easter is this year, Easter will always be inextricably entwined with our memories of James.)

This past week I have been reminded over and over that both MARY and PAPA HIMSELF experienced the feelings we have gone through...the pain of knowing their son suffered...and the pain of being separated from their son. I mean they both KNOW these feelings I go through...It helps to think of Jesus' earthly mother and his heavenly father both grieving these things, even while knowing Easter was a CHOICE they all made , in Mary's case out of following God and with Papa and Jesus because of how much they love each one of us.

Now this is where timing is really cool---when my friend was sensing this in Ohio, I was just then waking up in Phoenix. Notice that I woke up with a sense of peace---an immediate answer to my friend's prayers!

This morning, in the service, I was listening to our pastor speak and out of the blue, I felt like someone had taken their strong hand and shoved me in the chest. At the same instant, I had a sense of being back in the hospital, waiting with you re: James. That was all. No clear understanding, but I felt it was a call to pray for you all.

I woke up early this morning, thinking "HE is risen so that "he" is now risen"...and yes, there is comfort in that thought as well. I was restlessly wandering the trailer when I got up, even while enjoying the sunlight and the birds singing (and the silence of family still sleeping!) I thought of reading the Bible, but decided to pull out a favorite book instead. Here are some bits that again jumped out at me as being so much part of this Easter Day: "The God who is--the I am who I am--cannot act apart from love." And in a later passage when the main character commented he was so sorry that Jesus had to die, God replied "...we aren't sorry at all. It was worth it."

Those words are such a comfort to me---Papa acted with LOVE even through James' death...and I'm continuing to ask Him to make James' death "worth it."

And then, later in the morning...came the hard part:

I was doing okay about it being Easter but not being overwhelmed by grieving James...until we walked into the sanctuary at church. I started getting choked up, remembering so many happy Easter mornings in the past, surrounded by our large group of kids, looking so fancy in the special clothes I forced them into just for this day. (Yes, it is the ONE time a year I still reserve the right to help pick my kids' clothes AND force them to stand still for family photos!) It just didn't feel right with only Jakob and Anna sitting with us. (Nettie arrived a little later than this.)

Then a 30 something young man entered the seating area, dressed in a beautiful Hawaiian shirt...and I totally LOST it. So often, while I put dress shirts on the other boys, James insisted on a new, bright colored Hawaiian shirt for Easter. He would have loved this one: white background with coral and yellow blossoms all over it. I cried and cried and cried...at least by now the worship music was cranked up so I didn't worry about what others might be thinking of me.

Soon, I had a strong sense that God was reminding me that "James is dressed even more beautifully than this today." So...I cried some more, but with a feeling of peace at the same time. This truly was the best Easter JAMES has ever celebrated! (Even though it didn't feel so good to me...)


But then, a second time, God gave my friend the same basic "vision" that I was having at the same basic time I was having it! We were celebrating together the beauty of God's love without even knowing at the time that our thoughts were entwined! Isn't that AWESOME?!

Then, as we were driving home, again without thinking of him, I had a very strong "vision" of James - absolutely beautiful!!! He was vibrant & in his bright blue/turquoisy Hawaiian shirt. Only everything about the sight of him was "bigger" than life. He was outstandingly healthy, and I remember thinking that I could almost picture the free-flowing shirt bottom as colorful wings of a brilliant butterfly that could fly away free, or that would give him "angel-type" wings. He was happy faced & very alert.

I have no idea what that was about, but it gave me great joy, and a grateful heart. If I were going to put a meaning on it, I probably would say it was, "The best is yet to come".

Yes, Easter was tough this year. But I see some of the progress I have made in the past year. I am learning that the floods of grieving will not actually hurt me, especially if I can relax and let the waves of tears and sobbing wash over me. Calm eventually comes again on the other side. I guess I can truly say Easter was indeed a BEAUTIFUL day, even if my splotchy red face might have indicated otherwise!