no more grey skies...

For years I've hated the oh-so-often grey skies in Ohio. Even in the summer, there is rarely BLUE sky, but rather brightly lit hazy grey/white sky with blue peeping through here and there.

In the weeks after James died, God gave me a wonderful gift. Each day was warm and sunny and they sky was BLUE. So many days, I took Jakob and Anna out--to the park, to a playground, on an outing. Anything, so I could sit on a bench, soak up the sun, and enjoy the bright day. I felt God a little closer at those times.

In weeks and months that followed, I could cope okay if it was at least bright outside. But those dreaded grey days that I've disliked for years became a heavy weight. My grief and pain over the loss of James was so hard to carry. Add the grey...and it became unbearable. All I wanted to do on those days was sit on the couch, curl up in a blanket, and stare out the window at the trees silhouetted against dismal skies. Days like that seemed to fill the house, and the world around, and even my heart, with grey fog...

Then, in December, we fled Ohio and made it to Denver for the holidays. The sky, oh, LOOK at the sky! It's BLUE, clear blue, with few clouds and a bright SUN! Some days the mountains fade behind mist and clouds...but here on the high plains it stays clear.

Even Anna notices. The other day was slightly hazy. (You know, like a GOOD day in Ohio?!) She commented with disdain that it was just like Ohio---a dark, grey day.

For now, while we are still missing James so deeply...BLUE has become a good color, a life giving color. I think we will stay awhile here where the sky brings hope!

...the past tense...

Yesterday, I caught up with an old friend. We haven't been in contact for the past few years. She has known us since Jakob was a toddler and Anna was just born. She gave me her latest news and asked for an update on us and our kids. I sent her a newsy novel---who is where and how old and what we are all doing. She had read about James' death and sent her condolences... I included James in the update--he had changed alot since she last saw him as an elementary kid years ago.

But...when I was done, I cried.

I've done lots of talking with friends and with new acquaintances about who James was. I've scrapbooked lots of pages celebrating the many roles he played. But all of that still felt much more in the present tense. Putting updates in writing made it so clear...my other kids are moving forward. There is a future to look towards and wonder about for each of them. But...writing about James was all in the past tense. There it was in black and white...no more future.

When I was done writing...I cried.

We could have laughed...

I've been reading a book called Planet Ocean. It is a quirky look at life on earth from the beginnings of time. The writing is full of puns, imaginative dreams, and story telling with a running theme of FISH and humans. The illustrations are wonderfully inventive--mixing images of ancient sea creatures or dinosaurs with today's life or illustrating puns in imaginative ways. (Two paleontologists and dinosaurs dancing to the fossil record, playing on the little record player!) Sounds like a good read, doesn't it?

But...I had started it earlier in the day, got busy with other things, and later laid down to take a short nap. BAM! I was crying hard, missing James... What? What triggered the tears THIS time??

I realized this was a book I would have shared with him--showing him the best bits, groaning and laughing together about the puns and the mixed-up images. I shared a few bits with Jakob...but it just wasn't the same.

I miss you, James...